Smokey the Antoine Bear Survivor
by hitomichu
Summary: O.o Ok, not what you may think. This was a fic done for my friend Antoine. Hehehe. This is a random as they come. Tell me if the rating is appropriate. I'm not so sure on this one.
1. Default Chapter

Smokey the Antoine bear Survivor.  
  
Ok, this is a very random fic that was requested by my friend Antoine. He sells me games so I felt I had to give him a fic. (Besides, he's too freakin funny not to put in a fic) Anyways. This fic pretty much defines the word "Random" So if you don't like fics that essentially have no plot and whose sole purpose is to make you laugh, don't read. This is as silly as they come.  
  
Warnings: Rated this way because someone is mauled and killed in every chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the following: Smokey the Bear, Final Fantasy 7 or 8, Survivor, James Cagney, or Pikachu. Don't sue cuz I'z poor.  
  
*Fssshhhhhhhh.......... = The wind blows and all is quiet for a moment*  
  
And the first victim is....  
  
  
  
"What in the world are we doing out here Sephiroth?" Cloud demanded. "You know I hate sleeping outdoors. Why in the hell would you take me camping?"  
  
Seph looked around. "I invited a bunch of guys along. We need to look for something!"  
  
Seifer suddenly wandered up. "What? Your brain?"  
  
Sephiroth got cross. "Noooooo! There was a report of some weird creature in the area. I wanted to get together some of my friends and former enemies..." He looks straight to Cloud, "...and try to kill it! Then we would be heroes!"  
  
They stood there and waited a little bit till the whole group had assembled. Seph looked around and made sure everyone was there. The motley crew consisted of Sephiroth, Cloud, Vincent, Seifer, Zell, and James Cagney.  
  
Zell looked around. "Why the hell is James Cagney here?" He demanded. "Wait a sec, isn't James Cagney supposed to be dead?"  
  
Cagney smiled. "Supposed to be, but isn't. It was all a lie! Hehehehehahahah!!!" He laughed maniacally for a second, then calmed down.  
  
Ffssssshhhhh......  
  
Sephiroth broke the moment. "Ok then, are we ready to go then?"  
  
Vincent pulled the Death Penalty from it's holster. "What are we hunting down, exactly?"  
  
Sephiroth looked at them all. "Well, no one knows what kind of beast it is. People have been getting mauled the past few days, but no one knows what did it. Most people say it was a bear."  
  
Cloud began to run around, chasing a butterfly. "Puuurdy!!!" He squealed.  
  
Seifer smacked him over the head. "Pay attention you spiky headed retard or you might wander off and get mauled by this thing."  
  
Cloud looked sad. "Yes sir....."  
  
Seph picked up his stuff. "We move out to deeper woods at once. Everyone stay together. This thing could be really dangerous."  
  
Everyone walked for a while. Cloud began singing and Sephiroth threatened to shove his sword in a very unpleasant place. Cloud began giggling like a retard.  
  
"What the hell's so damn funny?" Sephiroth asked.  
  
Cloud continued giggling. "You said, 'Sword.' Hehehehe...."  
  
Seifer groaned. "Stop being a pervert!" He slapped him again, cutting his hand on one of the blonde spikes. Seifer screamed and looked at his bleeding hand. Vincent looked at the blood and got a dopey look on his face, then passed out.  
  
James Cagney ran in circles, trying to give medical advice that was totally unrelated to the problem. "Someone set a splint! Get some Advil! Keep your legs elevated!"  
  
Sephiroth grabbed Seifers hand and wrapped a bandage around it. "Cloud, how much hair spray do you use?"  
  
"Well.... I wanted to be friendlier to the environment so I cut back to 4 cans this morning." He looked at Seph. "That's a personal best!"  
  
Sephiroth shook his head. "Cripes Cloud, that Mako made you wacko...." Looked up to see everyone staring at him. "What?"  
  
Zell giggled. "Sephs a poet and didn't know it."  
  
Cloud burst into giggles and leaned his head against a tree. When he tried to pull back he cried out, "My hair it caught in the tree!!!!" He pulled hard on the spikes, trying to dislodge them. "My Haiiiiirrrr!!!!"  
  
Vincent, who had finally woke up, saw this and fell on the ground laughing. Seifer, the only one not amused, came over and yanked Clouds head off the tree.  
  
"Well, that was more than dumb...." Sephiroth said while snickering. "But come on guys, we have to get serious. This thing is out here somewhere, and we have to find it."  
  
From the bushes watches a boy in a long trench coat. "So, more who look for the secret. Hehehehe..."  
  
Seifer turned. "I know you're in that bush!" He yelled suddenly.  
  
The boy, hardly phased, Rubbed his hands together. "Well played.......................... Seifer." He said in an evil tone.  
  
''Who the hell are you?" Sephiroth asked.  
  
The boy just looked.  
  
Fffsssshhhhhh...................  
  
Seifer, becoming annoyed, stepped forward. "Well, who are you? And what the hell is that little yellow rat thing on your shoulder?"  
  
The boy looked outraged. "THAT....." He began loudly, then lowered his voice, "...was uncalled for....." He turned and ran off into the woods.  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
Fffssshhhhh......................  
  
"Well, that was random. But wait, that kid will get killed by the monster!" Zell said. "Maybe one of us should warn him!"  
  
Everyone stares at Seifer.  
  
"Why the hell do I have to go???" Seifer asked angrily.  
  
"Cuz no one likes you." Vincent stated plainly.  
  
Seifer, muttering and cursing, walked off into the woods.  
  
"Should he really be going off by himself? Shouldn't someone watch his back?" Zell asked.  
  
Ffsssssshhhhh.....................  
  
Three minutes pass before Seph starts talking, acting as if Zell had never said a thing. "So, how's everybody feeling?"  
  
Cloud tripped and suddenly smashed his head on a boulder. The spikes drove themselves deep in the rock. He screamed like a little girl and picked up the boulder. "Why me, why me, WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME????" He ran in circles for a little while then suddenly fell backwards.  
  
Zell came over and flexed his arms. "Let me handle this!" He focused his power in his fists and smashed open the boulder. "Hehehe, super human!"  
  
Suddenly from the woods a terrible roar is heard.  
  
RRAAAAAGHHHARRAAAHHHHGGGHHHH!!!!!!  
  
PIIIIKAAAAAAPIKAAAAAKKAAAAAA!!!!  
  
Everyone ran into the woods to see Seifer, laying dead in the leaves. Suddenly from no where Squall comes running.  
  
"Oh NO! THEY KILLED SEIFER!" Squall cried out.  
  
"Wait...." Zell said. "Squall, I thought you hated Seifer."  
  
Ffssssshhhhh.........  
  
Squall slowly inches off set as the others stare at Seifer.  
  
"Looks like he's been mauled." Cloud said to Vincent.  
  
Vincent rolled his eyes. "Cloud, that hairspray is eating your brain away." He said with a snort.  
  
"Well, that means the thing is still out here." Sephiroth stated. "Oh well, we just have to be more careful."  
  
James Cagney suddenly shot over and started screaming incoherently. Vincent pulled out a gun and shot him in the ass. Cagney fell, asleep.  
  
Vincent twirls his gun around. "Damn I love tranquilizers. Oh.... is that ...... blood...." Faints again.  
  
Sephiroth picked him up and dragged him back to camp. "This is gonna be a loooong hunt." 


	2. The Dead Actor Dies Again

Heheheheheheh!!! I am the master! KEEE! Long live Smokey the Antoine Bear! Anyhoooo, A friend of mine wrote a fic for Antoine and I, and someone decided to flame it. That was mean, and you suck. Sorry, but that's how I feel. What kind of aweful person goes around critisizing others for their work. Jeez, it's fiction. Lighten up already. Crickeys.... anyway, you know who you are, and if you are a nice person you should apologize now.  
  
The Dead Actor Dies Again  
  
Back at camp Cagney and Vincent slept for a while. Cagney from the tranquilizer, Vincent from passing out. Sephiroth sat by the fire they had built, cleaning his sword. Cloud was shooting small pebbles at James, snickering whenever he hit him.  
  
Zell got up and started shadow boxing. "This is boring as all hell! And we still never found that kid! What if that thing gets him?"  
  
"He hasn't gotten killed yet. We still have time to find him." Sephiroth said offhandedly.  
  
Cloud saw the light glint off Sephs Masamune blade and squealed. "Shiny! Shiny!"  
  
Sephiroth sighed impatiently. "Go back to hitting Cagney..."  
  
Clouds attention instantly shot back to Cagney and he started shooting pebbles again. "I got one up his nose! Heehee!"  
  
Vincent suddenly moaned and sat up. "Mmmmeeehhhnn... My head hurts..." He rubbed his forehead. "I dreamed I was a moron..."  
  
Squalls voice suddenly calls from back stage. "That is my line, and it's copywriten material!'  
  
Ffffssshhhhhh...............  
  
"Oh wait, I dreamed Cloud was a moron." He corrected.  
  
Cloud was beginning to poke at Cagney's closed eyes. "Pokey, pokey, pokey!" he laughed like a maniac for a few minutes.  
  
"It wasn't a dream...." Zell told him dryly.  
  
Vincent pulled out his Death Penalty and began to clean it. "So what now? Do we sit here and wait for that guy to wake up, or go out and search for that kid?"  
  
Cloud stood up and started jumping up and down. "Let's search for fuzzy bunnies!!!"  
  
Fffssssshhhhhhhhhh..................  
  
Vincent put down his gun. "I'm surprised that kid isn't mauled yet."  
  
Sephiroth got up. "OK, let's go take a look around. Cloud, stay here with Cagney. Vincent and Zell, come with me."  
  
Vincent looked to cloud, who was trying to eat a mushroom growing on a tree. "You sure we should leave him here?"  
  
Sephiroth cocked his eyebrow. "You REALLY want to take him with us?"  
  
They all looked to Cloud, who was now spitting out mushroom.  
  
Fffffssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........  
  
"Let's go..." Vincent said.  
  
They wandered into the woods, looking around for either the kid or the monster.  
  
"So how did you find out about this thing Sephiroth? I don't remember seeing any articles about maulings." Vincent said.  
  
"Internet, of course." Seph replied.  
  
"Everything comes from the internet nowadays." Zell said.  
  
"I know!" Vincent said excitedly. "Last weekend I finally found a good figure of Kuja on ebay! From some game called Final Fantasy 9! I was like, 'Yoink!' I bid on that thing faster that...." Looks at everyone else. They are staring at him.  
  
Fffffsssshhhhhhh....  
  
Zell put his hands behind his head as head as he walked. "I wish I was in a game as cool as Final Fantasy...."  
  
Fffssssshhhh.........  
  
While they were away, Cloud was busy entertaining himself.  
  
"I like chicken, I like liver, meow mix, meow mix, please de-liver!" He skipped around as Cagney started to wake up.  
  
Cagney saw Cloud skipping and got up. "You are a fruit basket, you know that?"  
  
Cloud was about to start squalling like a baby when suddenly a little yellow creature came up to him.  
  
"Chhhuuu?" It said adorably.  
  
Cloud immediately bent over to pick it up. "You are sooooooo adorable!!!!!!!!!" he cried happily.  
  
Suddenly from the trees burst none other than the mauler itself. He let out a terrible roar.  
  
RRRAHHHHAAGHHHHHGGGGHHHHHAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Fffffsssshhhhhhhhh...........  
  
"Hey!" Cagney said happily. "You're that boy everyone is searching for!"  
  
Cloud, still trying to pick up Pikachu, giggled. "Lookit the little rat!!!"  
  
The mauler looked angry. "That's it! No one messes with pikachu. Raaaahhhhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!" The guy started to run at Cloud to maul him, then got a different idea. He kicked Cloud in the butt, making him ram his hair spikes through Cagney's chest.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cagney screamed like a bitch, then fell down.  
  
"EEEWWWWW!!!!! I have Cagney goo in my haaaiiiiiiirrrrrrr!!!!" Cloud ran around crying.  
  
The boy giggled insanely like Homer Simpson, and then turned to Pikachu. "Let's go, Pikachu."  
  
"Pika pi!"  
  
Sephiroth hear the scream and when running back to the camp. He found Cloud's head stuck the ground. Cagney lay dead in the leaves, large puncture wounds in his chest. Sephiroth screamed. "OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED JAMES CAGNEY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What's so special about James Cagney?" Zell asked.  
  
Sephiroth looked up. "He may have been a weirdo, but he had damn good movies!" Seph growled. "We have to find this beast!"  
  
Cloud, trying to dislodge his head, said, "Oh yeah, and that kid came back just before the creature attacked me and made kill him."  
  
"Oh no!" Zell cried. "And you didn't stop him from running off? Man, Cloud! Now he'll get mauled for sure!"  
  
"Well, there's nothing we can do now. We have to get some rest and maybe we can search more tomorrow."  
  
Cloud began to whine. "But I still have Cagney goo!"  
  
Sephiroth laid down. "God, I hate him...." 


	3. The dagger-headed moron is next....

The reason this is updated so often is because it is written for someone else. Therefore I like to get the chapters up so they don't build up like my story, "For the Love of a Madman" *Hint* lemon *hint* go read.  
  
Ffffssshhhhhhh.............  
  
Anyways, here's the next chapter. heheh, enjoy.  
  
The dagger-headed moron is next....  
  
In the morning Cagney's body had mysteriously disappeared. Cloud was busily washing his hair when Sephiroth woke up.  
  
"Cloud, did you see the kid anywhere while you were awake?" Seph demanded.  
  
Cloud got up, and, amazingly, his hair was still spiky and sharp despite the fact that he had just washed hit. "Did I see who in the what now?"  
  
Sephiroth shook his head. "Gah, forget it! Jeez Cloud, you seem to be getting dumber every day..."  
  
Zell hopped up. "Well, it's those hairspray fumes." He poked Vincent in the ribs with his toe. "Up Vinny."  
  
Vincent jumped up, screaming in an Australian accent, "Crikey! That dingo stole mah moomba!"  
  
"What?" Everyone demanded.  
  
Vincent replied. "Just bear with me."  
  
Suddenly the kid from before walked out. "That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard."  
  
"HEY!" Zell cheered. "We finally found you!"  
  
"Well, technically, I'm the one who found you." He replied.  
  
Vincent blinked a few times. "Well, that's true...."  
  
"JUST BEAR WITH ME?" The boy demanded.  
  
"Who are you? What is your name?" Sephiroth asked.  
  
"I am called many things." The boy answered mysteriously.  
  
Cloud stepped forward. "What a weird name. Well Many. Or should we call you Mr. Things?"  
  
Ffffffssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.................  
  
Antoine went on, unphased. "You may refer to me as Antoine. And this is my little buddy Pikachu."  
  
"Well, maybe you should stick with us for a while. There's a creature in the woods mauling people." Sephiroth said.  
  
Antoine gave him a funny look. "That would be me."  
  
"What would be you?" Seph asked.  
  
"I'm the one who did it!"  
  
"Did what?" Cloud asked.  
  
"I'M THE MAULER!" Antoine yelled.  
  
"Noooooo you're not! It's not your fault our friends died. We just wanted to hunt you down to make sure you were ok!" Cloud said.  
  
"I didn't want to do this, but...." Antoine pulls out silver 45 and shoots Cloud in the head, but since Clouds hair was so hard the bullets bounced off.  
  
"Hahahahahaha!" Cloud snickered.  
  
"Damn it!" Antoine yelled. "Well then, come to me, my little shalaky..." He waved his hand.  
  
Sephiroth, confused, said, "You don't have super powers!"  
  
Antoine, realizing this fact, stated mysteriously, "Yet..."  
  
Ffffffssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh............................  
  
"This press conference is done with! Move it! Move it!" Antoine said angrily.  
  
Sephiroth suddenly asked excitedly, "Who did you not get mauled?"  
  
Antoine has a smile on his face as he speaks. "Well, that's a good story... everyone likes this......... but no on likes the ending. RRRAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"  
  
Antoine is suddenly interrupted in mid-roar as a girl jumps out and begins to maul Sephiroth.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute!" Antoine said. "You're not even hurting him! You're just ripping his clothes off!"  
  
Sephiroth looked up from his position on the ground. "She's supposed to hurt me?"  
  
"Well, YES!" Antoine said.  
  
Sephiroth looked dazed, lying half naked on the ground with a girl sitting on his stomach. "Who are you anyways?"  
  
"I'm the writer!" Goes back to clawing at his shredded clothing, "biting" him on the neck.  
  
"I like this mauling!" Sephiroth stated happily.  
  
"Woah, woah, WOAH! Wait a second! You said you're the author?" Antoine demanded.  
  
The girl looks up. "Yep! Name's Hitomi!"  
  
Antoine glares. "Then git yer ass back up to your desk and write!"  
  
Hitomi looks around. "Um, isn't there usually suppose to be a breeze?"  
  
Seifer suddenly curses. "Damn, I knew I forgot something. Hold on, I'll write it in."  
  
Fffffssssshhhhhhhhh..................  
  
Hitomi smiled. "There we go. Now back to you!" Begins mauling Seph again.  
  
Vincent and the others walked off a little ways, leaving Seph and his "Attacker" alone. The sound of moans can be heard, and Antoine looks to Pikachu. "Writers these days.... Can't seem to keep themselves out of the story."  
  
Hitomi walks back to the group, smiling and straightening her shirt. "Well, I'm off."  
  
"Hold it little missy! You git yer arse back here or I'll give you such a mauling!" Antoine threatened.  
  
Hitomi walked over. "Yes sir..."  
  
"Now look. You may be the writer, but I am the mauler around here. You can't just run up to random people and maul them! Now you apologize to that guy!" Antoine ordered.  
  
"But you don't!" Hitomi said accusingly.  
  
Fffffssssssssshhhhhhhhh.............  
  
"That's it! I'm out of here. Come, Pikachu!" Antoine turned and started to walk off.  
  
Hitomi wandered off the set, feeling pretty damn good.  
  
Cloud ran after Antoine. "Come back with the fuzzy yellow rat!" He cried.  
  
Antoine turned. "NO ONE calls Pikachu a rat! Pikachu, get him!"  
  
Pikachu jumped down off of Antoine's shoulder.  
  
"Ahhhhhh! Mr. Gibblets! Help!" Cloud cried.  
  
A chocobo suddenly appears out of nowhere. "WARK!"  
  
Antoine laughs. "Pikachu! THUNDERBOLT!"  
  
"PIIIIKAAAAA CHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!" Pikachu zaps Mr. Gibblets with a thunderbolt, and the bird flies into the air. A few seconds later it falls back down on a giant platter, covered in gravy.  
  
"MR. GIIIIBBBLEEEEETSSSSS!!!!!!!" Cloud yelled. He started crying and picked up a fork and knife. "My poor Mr. Giblets." He sniffled and took a big bite out of the roasted bird. "Mmmm, this is soo good. I wish Mr. Giblets was here to enjoy this!" He chomps another bite.  
  
Antoine cries too. "Yeah, and I wish Cloud was here to enjoy this too...." He, too, takes a big bite.  
  
Cloud looks up. "Wait a second, I am here." He said, looking lost and disoriented.  
  
"Oh yeah..." Antoine said. "RRRRRRAGGHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAHGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
He begins to maul Cloud, and then takes a drumstick and walk off calmly.  
  
Sephiroth heard the familiar roar and went running towards the source. Cloud lay dead in the dirt next to Mr. Giblets.  
  
Suddenly Tifa ran out. "OHHHH MY GAWD!!!!! NOOOOO! THE CREATURE KILLED CLOUD!" She begins to cry, then starts to eat Mr. Giblets. "And poor Mr. Giblets..."  
  
Zell and the others looked at each other. Zell spoke up. "Tifa, where did you come from?"  
  
Fffffsssshhhhhhhhh.....................  
  
Tifa got up and walked away, heading back the their camp. "I'm staying with you guys! I have to see what kind of horrible being would kill Cloud!"  
  
Vincent got up and tripped over a rock. His face landed right between her breasts. "Mmmmmmmhhhhpph Meph meee! Ummmm cccmmmt mmetthhhh!" The said loudly, though every word was muffled.  
  
Zell pulled his face out of her chest. "What did you say Vinny?"  
  
"Her chest was smothering me!" He replied, gasping for air. "Where's Cloud?"  
  
"He was MAULED!!!!" Tifa yelled, crying again. "I will find his killer! I won't rest until he is dead! And I will...." She trailed off as Vincent shot her in the ass with a tranquilizer.  
  
"Hehehe, hysterics won't help her on that one." Vinny said. Thankfully there was no blood, so he didn't pass out.  
  
Everyone began to laugh as well. "Good job Vinny. Now, let's see if we can't figure out this mystery." Sephiroth said. 


	4. Seph's up!

Seph's up!  
  
Tifa bunked down with the guys that night back at their camp. Now that Cloud was gone, the camp was a lot more peaceful. Vincent spent most of his time checking over his guns, Sephiroth practiced with his sword, Zell shadow boxed, and Tifa spent all her waking hours trying to figure out who would want to go around mauling everyone.  
  
"Give it a rest, Tifa." Zell said. "There's no way we can figure this out until we find the creature responsible."  
  
"He's right, Tifa. We will go out in search of it again soon. We need some time to rest though. Not only do we have to track down this monster, we also have to find that kid." Vincent said while cleaning the muzzle of the Death Penalty.  
  
Tifa paced around while the guys watched her breasts bounce up and down like overfilled water balloons. "But I have to know! How could something do that to poor little Cloud? He was so sweet and kind and...." She looks up, furious, and yells, "Would you stop looking at my chest?"  
  
A familiar voice floats over to them. "Does that go for me too?"  
  
Everyone looked around. Zell scratched his head. "I could have sworn I just heard Antoine..."  
  
Antoine cringed. "No, you didn't!"  
  
Zell turned around. "Oh, well then I guess... Wait a second, yes I did!"  
  
Antoine tented his fingers like Mr. Burns. "Well played.................................. Zell."  
  
"Who's Antoine?" Tifa asked.  
  
Antoine jumped out. "I'm Antoine! And This is my little buddy Pikachu!"  
  
Tifa looked at him strangely. "Just what are you doing out here in the forest? It's dangerous out here."  
  
"Well, that's a funny story. It goes like this:" He began. "RRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHGGGGG!" He begins to "maul" Tifa in the same fashion Hitomi had mauled Sephiroth.  
  
Ffffsssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........................  
  
Hitomi suddenly leaped out of the bushes again and began to really maul Tifa, leaving her a mess on the ground.  
  
Antoine looked angry. "Why did you do that???"  
  
Hitomi yelled back. "You weren't mauling her! You were just ripping off all her clothing in an attempt to see those freaks of nature!" She points at Tifas chest.  
  
Antoine's eyes got dark. "THAT........................... was uncalled for. But, despite your lashing out at me, I'll offer you a job."  
  
Hitomi brightened. "Really? I'll take it!"  
  
"OKAY! You're fired!" he said, eyes wide.  
  
Zell finally decided to speak up. "Ummm ... you never hired her."  
  
Fffffffffsssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............................  
  
Everyone looks back to Tifa, and Antoine stomps his foot. "Now who am I going to watch get undressed through my dressing room window? Huh? ANSWER THAT, missy!"  
  
Tifa suddenly sat up. "You watch me undress??"  
  
Antoine looked around. "Who said that I did that?"  
  
"YOU DID!" Everyone said at once.  
  
Ffffssssssssssshhhhhhhhh..........  
  
"Well, listen here, you busty little shalaky. I have to occupy my time with something when I'm not mauling people, so either you sit there and let me watch you strip, or get mauled. Now wave your last statement. Waaaaavee iiiit!" He shook his fist at Tifa menacingly.  
  
She looked down at the ground. "Yessir......"  
  
"Wait a second, aren't you supposed to be dead?" Antoine asked.  
  
Tifa looked around. "Oh yeah....." She fell back on the ground.  
  
"Now you listen here little shalaky!" Antoine grabbed Hitomi's collar. "You bring that one back! She wasn't supposed to be mauled yet!"  
  
Hitomi sighed. "Fine..... Seifer, bring her back....."  
  
"Can do." Seifer said from somewhere off stage.  
  
Tifa suddenly stood up as if nothing happened, and then began to do jumping jacks. everyone but Hitomi stared at Tifa.  
  
"SEIFER DAMN IT!? STOP THAT!" Hitomi screamed.  
  
Antoine shook his fist. "If you make her stop I will maul you so bad Seifer....." he threatened.  
  
"You already did!" Seifer said angrily.  
  
Fffsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................  
  
"That's it! This interview is over! Let's get out of here Pikachu." Antoine said.  
  
Hitomi went back to her writing chair, and Antoine started to leave. But while he was walking away he noticed that Seph was still watching the Tifa bounce. He ran up to him.  
  
"RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
"PPPPPPIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"  
  
Pikachu and Antoine mauled Sephiroth, then walked off.  
  
Tifa finally stopped bouncing around and saw Seph lying dead in the leaves. Aeris suddenly ran out. "NOOOOOOO! THEY KILLED SEPHIROTH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Vincent looked oddly at Aeris. "Sephiroth killed you before, Aeris. Why would you care that he was dead?"  
  
Aeris looked around. "Well, cuz before he died we kinda.... Weeeelllll... got to know each other better......"  
  
Vincent turned a bit red. "OH DEAR GAWD!" He looked to everyone else, saw that there was blood, and passed out again.  
  
Aeris now looked at Vincent. "He's squeamish? Man, never would have guessed that...."  
  
Zell grabbed Vincent. "Let's go back to camp. Maybe we will think more clearly one we are out of here." He looked around. "Damn it! That kid got a way again!"  
  
Tifa shrugged. "Oh well, we need to take care of Vinny first. Something about that kid is weird. I don't think he is who he seems. I think he's the...."  
  
Zell cut her off. "We have to find this monster! He's killed our leader! That means I have to take over from here."  
  
Tifa wandered off into the wood while the others slept. She was curious to see if she could actually find Antoine again. She ran into him while he was camping with Pikachu in a cave.  
  
"So I found you!" Tifa said.  
  
"Oh no Pikachu! Tifa's here to nark on our stash!" Antoine said quickly.  
  
"Pika Pikachu pi!" *Translation* "But we don't have a stash!"  
  
Antoine looked around nervously. "Hehehe, no, of course we don't....."  
  
Fffffsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................  
  
Tifa looked around. "Where did a breeze come from inside a cave?"  
  
Ffffssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh................  
  
Tifa looked more confused than ever, as the boy just stared silently at her. She looked from him, to Pikachu, then asked. "Are you the one that's mauling people?"  
  
Ffffffffffssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................  
  
"Answer me!" She cried.  
  
Ffffffffffssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................  
  
"Is that all you can do? Sit there silently?" She demanded angrily.  
  
"No." Was all he said in return.  
  
"Then tell me if you are the mauler."  
  
"Yes," He said, still staring.  
  
"But why? Why would you maul my friends? What makes you want to maul people?"  
  
"Well, that's a funny story..." He began.  
  
"AND DON'T MAUL ME!" She yelled before he got too far.  
  
"Ah, well then what's the point?" He asked. "Go away, I'm trying to decide who to maul next."  
  
"You still haven't answered my question!"  
  
Antoine jumped up and reached into his trench coat. "My dear bitch, I am going to have to ask you to take a bit of this apple." He held out his empty hand, curved around an imaginary apple.  
  
"There is no apple." Tifa stated.  
  
Ffffffffssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............  
  
"THAT'S IT! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!" Antoine slapped Tifa, knocking her out, contemplated mauling her, then just decided to get up a walk off calmly, carrying a hunk of Mr. Gibblets with him.  
  
Tifa woke up a few hours later with a scratch mark on her cheek. She ran back to the others, who were all awake but not looking for her. Vincent looked at her calmly. "Oh, hey."  
  
Tifa looked shocked. "You guys weren't looking for me?"  
  
"We didn't even notice you were gone...." Zell said.  
  
Vincent got up. Thankfully Tifa's cut stopped bleeding, so Vinny didn't pass out. "how did you get that scratch?"  
  
"I know who the....." She began to say.  
  
"It must have been the creature! It attacked her too! It's a wonder she isn't dead like the rest of em." Zell stated.  
  
"Yes, but I know....." She tried again.  
  
Vincent cleared his throat. "Tifa, calm down. We'll get this creature, whatever it is."  
  
Tifa stomped her foot. "I'm trying to tell you that it isn't a crea......" She trails off as Vincent once again shot her in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.  
  
Zell looked at Vincent and nodded. "last thing we need is a hysterical chick on our hands. Now, let's go look for this beast." 


	5. Death of a Sniper

Well, I'm finally here to update smokey. It's been a hellish past few weeks for me. I'm flunking a few subjects and had to try to pull myself up, and now I have to take care of a 4 day old kitten. Everyone, give your regards to Pikachu Mew Mishima. Anyone curious in the name Email me or ask in a review.  
  
Death of a Sniper  
  
Pikachu wandered around the forest, looking for things to eat, when he suddenly came upon Vincent and the others camp site. he sniffed around, looking about curiously as Vincent got up and started to walk off into the woods.  
  
Pikachu ran back to Antoine to tell him the news. "Pi! Pika pikachu! Pi pi chu!"  
  
"Oh my God! A tunafish can for five thousand bucks? That's a great deal!" He said exitedly.  
  
Ffsssssshhhhhhhhhhhh................  
  
Pi! Pikachu pi!"  
  
"Oh, you said Vincent is alone in the woods somewhere." He turned away. "Damn, now I'll never get that tunafish can...."  
  
"Pika-"  
  
"I wa-" Antoine started.  
  
"Chu! Pi-"  
  
"I SAID I LIKE IT!" Antoine said loudly.  
  
Pikachu stared oddly at him. Antoine stared back. they both snorted, then Antoine said, "Awe! I can't stay mad at you little buddy! Let's go do some maulin!"  
  
Pikachu hopped up on Antoines shoulder and they started out for a new day.  
  
Meanwhile.......  
  
Aeris stalked around, thinking of possible ways to find this mauler. Tifa was still sleeping off Vincents tranquilizer. Zell, as usual, was shadow boxing, and Vincent had wandered off alone.  
  
"Maybe someone should go look for Vincent. It's not safe, wandering around alone." Aeris spoke up.  
  
"Relax. He'll be back. Maybe he had to take a leak or something. You wouldn't want to walk in on that would you?" Zell asked.  
  
"I sure would..." Aeris muttered.  
  
"What was that?" Zell asked, pausing.  
  
Ffffssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........................  
  
Tifa suddenly woke up, the thought of the mauler out of her memory at the moment. "Hey everyone..." She got up and started to walk around.  
  
"Oh, hey Tifa. Finally up?" Aeris asked.  
  
"Yeah, I...." She trailed off again and fell forward as a tranquilizer dart shot out of the woods and nailed her in the ass. Vincent snickered.  
  
"What'd you do that for?" Zell asked.  
  
"I just like it when she doesn't talk." Vincent replied.  
  
Zell and Aeirs looked at each other questioningly. Then Zell asked. "Hey Vincent, did you see antoine out there anyplace?"  
  
Vincent shook his head. "No. I'm going back out to look around now."  
  
"But aren't you going to help get tifa back to her......."  
  
FFFFFHHHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!  
  
There is suddenly a huge breeze, and when Zell and Aeris look back to where Vincent was standing, all they saw was a smoke cloud in the form of his body.  
  
"Vincent?" Zell wondered. He waved his hand through the cloud and the smoke dispersed. "Well I'll be damned..... He pulled an X-Pac...."  
  
Fffffffsssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................  
  
Antoine wandered around a bit and talked to Pikachu. "Pikachu, I think we make a good mauling team. To hell with the forest bears. We rule!"  
  
A bear came up to him, shaking his paws and roaring. He had heard Antoines statement and was majorly pissed.  
  
"Is there a problem?" Antoine asked calmly.  
  
"Rrrraahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaa!!!!!!!!!!" The bear roared.  
  
"Oh, so you want to fight, do you? I think this can be solved without that."  
  
The bear tilted his head. "Rrrraaggg?"  
  
"Well, it all began in 1967, when I was just a little Cell baby...." Antoine started.  
  
The bear suddenly screached and ran up to the nearest tree. Looking back to Antoine, he decided that anything was better than hearing that story. He reared back and bashed his head against the tree.  
  
"See Pikachu. That wasn't so hard." He continued on his way to find Vincent.  
  
Half an hour later Vincent stumbled onto a little clearing. It was full of flowers and birds. He looked around and saw Antoine staring at him from afar. "Hey, are you ok? We've been looking everywhere for you!" He yelled.  
  
"Hmmm, well, there's a perfectly logical explination for tha- RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGG-" Antoine started running for Vincent when a blur of pink dropped from nowhere and started "Mauling" Vincent. In a flash Vincents clothes were gone.  
  
"OH GOD, MAN BALLS!" Antoine ran off a little ways, Pikachu trying to calm his friend. He rolled his eyes when he started hearing moans coming from the two.  
  
After a few minutes Hitomi got up, the blur of pink being her in a pink dress. "Ok, bye!" She chirped.  
  
Antoine spun around, covering his eyes. "Wait a minute! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN YOUR WRITERS CHAIR!"  
  
Hitomi smirked. "I write this thing, meaning I could make Vincent shoot you in the head and have a happy ending. So either let me have my fun and get what you want, or I change the story so that they kill you."  
  
Antoine crossed his arms and thought for a few minutes.  
  
"Hey, antoine?" hitomi asked, looking for an answer.  
  
"What, what, WHAT? This better be about pizza..." He said.  
  
Ffffffssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........................  
  
Hitomi shook her head and walked off, letting the story go back to normal. Vincent looked around, confused. "What's going on?"  
  
Antoine smirked. "This: RRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"PPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Ow! Oh Jebus! The pain! It's............... hurtful somehow!!!!!!" Vincent screamed.  
  
Antoine kept mauling, but Vincent just wouldn 't die. Finally he stopped for a second and just stared. "You know, you should be dead by now...."  
  
Vincent shrugged. "I dunno what to tell ya..."  
  
Antoine smirked. "Look! BLOOD!"  
  
VIncent looked down, screamed, then suddenly passed out. Antoine continued to maul him, and finally when he was convinced he was dead he got up and started to walk off towards the others.  
  
Aeris heard the screams of Vincent and ran to his aid, only to find him already dead. Suddenly, for now apparent reason, Hwoarang ran you and started yelling. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! The mauler killed Vincent!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
Ffffffffssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Aeris asked.  
  
Fffffffffffffsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............. .......  
  
Antoine came out of hiding. "Oh, that's just nice Hitomi! You had to put the pretty boy in here. Him and his Bobby Sherman good looks..... you better be glad I'm not for Yaoi....."  
  
FFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Well it's true!" Antoine yelled. "That's it. I ought to beat the crap out of all of you, just for staring."  
  
"Why are you out here, Hwoarang?" Zell asked.  
  
"Well, Vincent was always one of my favorite characters in the game. Now I have to stay with you guys to see who this mauler is, then I can kill him myself."  
  
Antoine threw his hands in the air. "Oh Geez! how can you people be so stupid? here, let me show you something." He looked around, ran backstage, and dragged out Cloud by the collar. "Look. RRRRRAAAGGGHHH! Scratch, scratch? Bite, bite? Look familiar?" Antoine demanded.  
  
"Oh! I get it!" Zell cried happily.  
  
"Finally!" Antoine said.  
  
"That's what the mauler looks like when he attacks people! Thanks kid! That's a big help! Ok, now we should start looking for the mauler and...... Wait a second... aren't you dead, Cloud?"  
  
Cloud let his jaw go slack and he got a dopey look on his face. "Nyyaaahhhhhhhhh...."  
  
Antoine shook his head slightly. "God, he's slipped into Maynard mode....." He shoved Cloud offstage again and sighed.  
  
"Look, you should stick with us Antoine. No telling what that monster will do to you if he finds you alone in the woods. You could end up like Vincent." Zell told him.  
  
"Actually, I have to get going." He started to leave but Hwoarang blocked him.  
  
"You can't go back out there." He said.  
  
"Listen Pretty boy. I'll go where I want to. Now move it or git yer ass mauled." Antoine warned.  
  
"You'll get killed!" Aeris said.  
  
"Hmm, well, I think I will challange you to arm wrestling." He puts his arm on a tree stump. "And I challenge Hwoarang."  
  
The two went about the match and Antoine, of course, won. He suddenly looked angry. "Hey, you cheated!" he punched Hwoarang in the face.  
  
"Hey, but you won!" Zell told him.  
  
"Oh yeah.... Hey! I cheated!" he punched Hwoarang in the face again.  
  
Fffffffffssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh..................  
  
"This interview is over!" He made sure pikachu was on his shoulder and walked off into the woods.  
  
"That kid is weirder all the time." Zell said.  
  
"Zell, I just remembered something! I know how to revive people!" Aeris said excitedly.  
  
"Ok, how do you forget something like that Aeris? Honestly...." Zell shook his head. "Well, in any case, we lost 3 of our friends...."  
  
"But 4 people died-" Aeris began.  
  
"We lost THREE of our friends....." Zell insisted. "Let's just get back to camp and think of this." 


End file.
